I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
