Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
