my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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