If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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