My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
