***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
