I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
did i walk over a car last night?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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