it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
