yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
