I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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