I am in a vortex of obligation.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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