shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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