yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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