Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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