haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
