I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
