I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
