Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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