I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
