I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
