It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
