turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Church boner. Awkwardddd
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
