All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
