Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
