I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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