I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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