today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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