I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
