Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
