mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
