for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
