I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
