Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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