I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
