piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
