grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
