Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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