did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
