yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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