i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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