Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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