last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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