this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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