His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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