I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
