Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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