the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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