Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
