I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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