There was a lot of him and a little penis
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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