he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
