Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
